Monday, June 30, 2014

Top 3 Flirting Flummoxes of 2014

Tomorrow is July.

To keep myself on track of my New Year's Resolutions/ Adoptions I'm checking in.
If you want to read the original post, click away.

In reference to the list I wrote for myself to accomplish this year, how is it going?
Am I writing more?  Yes.
Am I telling the truth more...that's a hard thing to measure, but am I expressing true things about myself to others?  Yes, in writing.
It's nice how they all can flow together and cross-promote themselves.
I'm not sure what cross-promote really means, but I think this is close enough.

But flirting?
If there is a learning curve in process, I am wondering has it started to curl yet?
Or to ellipsis?
Or to meniscus?
I love turning Science nouns into verbs and misusing them.  It's a completely Englishy thing to do.

Perhaps it's like the curvature of the earth and thwarts the understanding of the human eye.  I'm going with that, and I'm not completely discouraged about my "progress."
(First, you should know, I do despair from time to time.  And I have been the recipient of grace of friends and family who will come over and just hold me, if I am a sobbing mess.  I get messy and I ugly cry about singleness and dating and rejection.  I think it's important for people to know that.  Life isn't just puppies and kitties; hard happens, and it's important to be loved then. That is a true help.)

Another reason I am not completely discouraged is that I am funny, and I don't really tire of self-deprecating humor.  I hope you've also noticed that self-deprecating humor does not mean making light of my insecurities.  Nor does it entail laughing at my vulnerability.
Those aren't funny, that is a cry for help, and I don't want your help.
I want to give you 3.5 opportunities to laugh.

If a friend shared these with me, guy or girl, if properly executed, I would roll with laughter with them.
I want that for you.

If you haven't read Why am I Still Single? The Answer, let me recap it in 3 run-on sentences.
In a coffee shop, I noticed a man standing behind me using my keen sense of smell.  His cologne wafted over to my nose, but it was faint enough for me to think he was far away (This is largely because men have seen too many Axe commercials and shellac themselves with cologne, which is unfortunate and abusive to noses everywhere.) Upon seeing him VERY near to me in my peripheral vision, I jumped, and I explained the jump by saying I smelled him before I saw him. Admittedly, the other version is better than this synopsis.

I struck up a conversation near some restrooms with a handsome man around February or March while waiting for some friends to come out.  They were taking awhile, and he was leaning on a wall or rail, which is a universally good sign (Source: While You Were Sleeping where Bill Pullman still doesn't convince me that he is a romantic lead.  He makes a much better President/fighter pilot. Source: Independence Day.)
I had the very conscious thought, "Now's an opportunity to flirt,'"as if I were running a SWOT analysis on this scenario.  In a way, I was.

So I said...

"Do you watch Dr. Who?"

I didn't pretend to be interested in hockey, or flip my hair. I went straight for what is possibly the longest running nerdy show out there.
Additionally, I do not watch the show, so where on earth did I think this was going?
He did not watch the show, nor did I. That killed all conversation.

#3 explained in 2 parts 
About 2 months ago now, I started registering the physical proximity from men as a potential attack.

Some foundational information:

If there were a definitive Flirting for Dummies book out there, it would mention the importance of Proxemics.  
I have attached a definition for you to reference, it's a real thing and I know because I took a class on it.
It's highly important in communication and possibly even more so in flirting.  It's also why bars have loud music, so you have an excuse to lean in.  It also hastens alcohol intake.  Yeah.  That's a thing.   Note: This study is not something you site as a way to try to flirt.  I've tried siting research studies while flirting.  Don't do it; it has never worked the way I intended.

These incidents occurred, days apart.

Part 1
Well, in about April, I was walking past a congenial fellow. He raised up his arm in high five greeting fashion and said, "Hey you're here!"
What did I do?

I ducked and protected my face.

I saw the arm raising, doubled over, and protected my head. I wish this was on video or in 3-4 time-lapse photos that I would animate here.
I'm not implying this would have been flirting, had I not felt threatened.  Rather, I think what I do see happening here is the opposite of flirting.

Dropping to the ground is the opposite of flirting.

I know because this is my standard response to being tickled. Tickling is a flirting tactic that I undo by always dropping to the ground. It is horrifying to all interested parties, creating very disinterested parties, rapidly.

Part 2
About 2 days later...
In another environment, with a male friend and a male acquaintance, I was trying to exit and go home.  My guy friend desired me to stick around and go to a dinner party that a girl was hostessing.  I had not been invited to this dinner party, so I was trying to slink away, graciously declining.

I tried to explain my point of view without going into:

1) the higher math that is head counting,
2) the scarcity of food ratio,
3) seating and chair challenges,
4) the secrets of single girls, and
5) etiquette.

This proved difficult.

Having been a hostess myself, here is what I knew, but didn't explain:

I know it's 2014, but there are manners and feelings to consider.  Mine have been not considered when I hostess and it stinks. I don't want to do that to someone else.
Particularly if it is happening in 15 minutes.
Especially if YOU were invited, but it wasn't a plus one sort of thing.
You have no idea the wrath that an uninvited girl showing up to a dinner party with a man can bring. If you have read any Jane Austen novel, use this as a guide.
Dinner parties are an excuse for a single girl to have single men over and seduce them with food.  If the hostess isn't into you, someone at the gathering invariably is.
Now, knowing this, did I want to be "that rude girl," eating chicken, and straddling a table leg because there was no place planned for me?
No, not really.

Still not finding the ability to explain my reticence clearly, the persuasions continued.
The male acquaintance said, "Oh I'll keep her here while you call to see if it's ok for her to come to dinner."
He advanced to distract me, and I...

turned around and assumed a somewhat crouched position that made my butt stick out, balled my hands into fists, and possibly closed my eyes.

If this were a 7th grade basketball game, I would call it boxing out, but it wasn't.

I can't remember what exactly transpired (since my eyes were shut), but offering up my backside and holding my arms up like a T-Rex got some attention.  I explained I thought he was about to grab me and hold me down.  (This is how you get a girl to attend a dinner party without RSVPing, right?)

To which he looked appalled and said, "No, I'm all sweaty."
He also had a soccer ball.

Men: No girl on earth has ever wanted to be grabbed by a sweaty man.  Ever.
Oh wait. Have you even seen the World Cup?**

At any rate, I was not grabbed.  Further, I was allowed to go home, eat my cold pizza, and wonder about why my reflexes had taken a turn toward being easily victimized.

For my 4th Flirting Flop/Fizzle, I believe I need a different post.  I will have it to you BEFORE July 4th.
I love timely writing pieces, but there's just something about equating flirting with Independence of America that is just wrong.  I like puns, but not enough to cast freedoms I have as a joke.

**Regarding the World Cup:
**If you haven't seen it, let me break it down:
It's like the Miss Universe pageant, except each country sends and entire team of their most swarthy countrymen.  They run around for a month in front of cameras.
Hands off, Mr. Universes, don't touch me.  Don't you know you're sweaty?

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